Unbreakable.

Today's been extremely difficult.

All I want to do is forget.  But I don't think it's going to happen.  I need to be strong, I need to be unbreakable.  I need to make this difference.  But what difference will it make.  There will always be those bash pages.  Someone will always get their feelings hurt.  Cyber bullying will always be there.  So am I really going to change anything.

How do I go from being the confident me, to the one that's afraid.  I've never been afraid, and if I was I hid it quite well.  How do I go from someone so sure of herself, to someone who just wants to disappear?

Do I listen to the choices I have, or do I ignore everything that's happening.

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know why I feel so numb to it.  Why I can sit there and take it, but when someone else says I shouldn't take it or stand for it it starts to sink in.  Why is it only then that it starts to become scary, that you feel yourself breaking?

I will remain unbreakable.  I will remain strong.

The Road to Self Discovery

You look at all the pain you put yourself through, and you wonder if it was worth it.

This isn't just a Corpsmans Journey anymore, but it's my Road to Self Discovery.

At times we all need that little push to get us to start heading in the right direction.  Mine as said in the last post was a bash page.  

It got me thinking, do I really want to continue how I was.

I'll make this a little like the wild, with Reese Witherspoon.  Unfortunately I won't be able to walk 1,100 miles.  but we'll do this little journal and maybe, just maybe I'll let you in on my deep dark secrets.

Respect myself.

I've lied to myself for years.  

I'm beautiful.  I don't believe it

I can do anything I set my mind too.  I'm a lazy piece of shit.

I don't need alcohol, just one more shot.  I'm almost to the point I rely on it to make me feel better.

I have sex because I enjoy it.  I have sex because I need to feel powerful, I need to be the one able to leave.

I'm smart.  I'm a dumb ass.

I'm fine.  I'm lying.

The only thing I haven't lied about is the love for my job, the love I have for my family.  

It's hard to sit here and think through all of the years of self discovery and realize I haven't discovered anything but a liar all of these years.  I've lied to myself, to my family, to my friends.  Now that's a talent.  I've made everyone including myself believe these lies I've told.  That changes.  And it changes now.

I've been sober for 12 days.  And today is the hardest day.

This weekend a friend and I went out on the town in Rota, Spain (I know right Spain!) and we took a picture, it was friendly.  Just two good looking girls going out to have a good time.

She emailed me the next morning and said WTF fix this.  Someone had posted that picture of us onto a military bash page with the status "These HN's are from the USS ROSS.  One (meaning me) got numbers from patients at the STD Clinic.  If anyone wanted to get with them, make sure you where your own rubbers and don't kiss them on the mouth."  Or something of the like.

I've lost that friend because of it.  I don't care if they post things like that about me, but it's different when you involve an innocent bystander.  (Some of those comments were off the chart hilarious)

I'm not proud of my past.  I was a whore.  I liked sex.  Before joining the military I had sex with 4 men, 3 were just horrible, and 1 was unsuccessful.  Once I joined and moved to Camp Lejeune I discovered good sex and MEET ME.  I'm not even going to call it a dating site.  It was more like who wants a quick fuck.  And I did.  I wanted to forget myself.  I wanted to feel good.  

When I turned 21, there was always a collection of bottles.  I had wine bottles in my fridge, in my closet.  There'd be an occasional beer a night of hard liquor here and there.   I started pairing alcohol and sex together.  It became less gratifying and more let's just get it done.  

I can't tell you how many people I've had sex with since I joined the Navy.  Hell I can't even tell you all of their names off the top of my head except for maybe 10 or 11 of them.

And I've recently just discovered sober sex again, even if it was with a man I probably shouldn't have had sex with in the first place.

I'm taking a break from all of this.  I'm going to find out who I am again, who I need to be.  Guys can wait, alcohol can wait.  I can't.  

But the question is what now?  I've stopped drinking.  There won't be any sex for me in the forseeable future, I've put a stop to that one.

So what do I do now?