Unbreakable.

Today's been extremely difficult.

All I want to do is forget.  But I don't think it's going to happen.  I need to be strong, I need to be unbreakable.  I need to make this difference.  But what difference will it make.  There will always be those bash pages.  Someone will always get their feelings hurt.  Cyber bullying will always be there.  So am I really going to change anything.

How do I go from being the confident me, to the one that's afraid.  I've never been afraid, and if I was I hid it quite well.  How do I go from someone so sure of herself, to someone who just wants to disappear?

Do I listen to the choices I have, or do I ignore everything that's happening.

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know why I feel so numb to it.  Why I can sit there and take it, but when someone else says I shouldn't take it or stand for it it starts to sink in.  Why is it only then that it starts to become scary, that you feel yourself breaking?

I will remain unbreakable.  I will remain strong.

The Road to Self Discovery

You look at all the pain you put yourself through, and you wonder if it was worth it.

This isn't just a Corpsmans Journey anymore, but it's my Road to Self Discovery.

At times we all need that little push to get us to start heading in the right direction.  Mine as said in the last post was a bash page.  

It got me thinking, do I really want to continue how I was.

I'll make this a little like the wild, with Reese Witherspoon.  Unfortunately I won't be able to walk 1,100 miles.  but we'll do this little journal and maybe, just maybe I'll let you in on my deep dark secrets.

Respect myself.

I've lied to myself for years.  

I'm beautiful.  I don't believe it

I can do anything I set my mind too.  I'm a lazy piece of shit.

I don't need alcohol, just one more shot.  I'm almost to the point I rely on it to make me feel better.

I have sex because I enjoy it.  I have sex because I need to feel powerful, I need to be the one able to leave.

I'm smart.  I'm a dumb ass.

I'm fine.  I'm lying.

The only thing I haven't lied about is the love for my job, the love I have for my family.  

It's hard to sit here and think through all of the years of self discovery and realize I haven't discovered anything but a liar all of these years.  I've lied to myself, to my family, to my friends.  Now that's a talent.  I've made everyone including myself believe these lies I've told.  That changes.  And it changes now.

I've been sober for 12 days.  And today is the hardest day.

This weekend a friend and I went out on the town in Rota, Spain (I know right Spain!) and we took a picture, it was friendly.  Just two good looking girls going out to have a good time.

She emailed me the next morning and said WTF fix this.  Someone had posted that picture of us onto a military bash page with the status "These HN's are from the USS ROSS.  One (meaning me) got numbers from patients at the STD Clinic.  If anyone wanted to get with them, make sure you where your own rubbers and don't kiss them on the mouth."  Or something of the like.

I've lost that friend because of it.  I don't care if they post things like that about me, but it's different when you involve an innocent bystander.  (Some of those comments were off the chart hilarious)

I'm not proud of my past.  I was a whore.  I liked sex.  Before joining the military I had sex with 4 men, 3 were just horrible, and 1 was unsuccessful.  Once I joined and moved to Camp Lejeune I discovered good sex and MEET ME.  I'm not even going to call it a dating site.  It was more like who wants a quick fuck.  And I did.  I wanted to forget myself.  I wanted to feel good.  

When I turned 21, there was always a collection of bottles.  I had wine bottles in my fridge, in my closet.  There'd be an occasional beer a night of hard liquor here and there.   I started pairing alcohol and sex together.  It became less gratifying and more let's just get it done.  

I can't tell you how many people I've had sex with since I joined the Navy.  Hell I can't even tell you all of their names off the top of my head except for maybe 10 or 11 of them.

And I've recently just discovered sober sex again, even if it was with a man I probably shouldn't have had sex with in the first place.

I'm taking a break from all of this.  I'm going to find out who I am again, who I need to be.  Guys can wait, alcohol can wait.  I can't.  

But the question is what now?  I've stopped drinking.  There won't be any sex for me in the forseeable future, I've put a stop to that one.

So what do I do now?

My adventure so far...

So all in all the past few years have been a journey I will never forget.

People sometimes say that joining the Military is the worst thing they have ever done in their lives, and they fight so hard to get out.

But me...  I think differently.

I've been to more then 1 command, I've seen things, and done things that most people haven't.

 I have made life long friends, and I know a few that I wouldn't feel bad if I never saw them again.

I have been off the coast of the Bahamas, and I've gone to the depths of the ocean where not alot of people travel.

I have thrown ashes over the side of the ship to pay respect for my brothers and sisters who've lost their lives both in the military and retired.

I have seen a helicopter touch and left off the flight deck in the middle of the ocean.

My little boat has pulled a cruiser behind it for a little more then an hour.

I'm having the adventure of a lifetime.

I love my life:)

I'm at my first command!

I'm stationed at Camp Lejeune North Carolina, working out of the preventive medicine clinic here. Just an ordinary quad zero. How did I get so lucky?

My friends here are amazing, but I've all ready met those who I'll talk to now but probably won't talk to again unless I see them somewhere else.

In all reality sometimes I don't even feel like I'm in the Navy.  It just doesn't seem real what I'm doing right now. I think it's more of a dream right now.

I've been in for 7 months and it seems the only thing navy related that I've done is where my uniform and go to school.  And theirs nothing wrong with that.  Nothing wrong at all:)

I enrolled in school, I'm going back and I'm super excited.

I've got friends leaving on deployments and all within the next 6 months, and that scares me.  But that's just apart of being in the marines, or as a corpsman for that matter.  Actually anyone in the service.

You know I look around Camp Lejeune and I see a hell of a lot of marines, but I also see alot of Navy, mostly corpsman, and then I see a few army people, mostly of the officer type and I wonder to myself when will we blend? When well we all become a group of one? There will be no more Navy, there won't be an Air Force, there won't be any Soldiers, and there won't be any marines. And then I think to myself this can't happen, this won't happen. This is why we have groups so each can do their own thing, if it were blended we'd all be doing the same thing and it wouldn't be special anymore. You know what I'm saying?

I've missed writing, but I haven't felt like I've needed to write, or maybe I've just felt like I've had nothing to write about.

So I guess I can tell you a little about the barracks life, it's litteraly all it's cracked out to be. We don't have kitchens or anything of the sort. I've had two roommates within a month because of the fact that for most of the people in the barracks its still a training environment so once they leave for FMTB, or once they move to a different location, and then it's normally a day or a week and I get another one. It kinda sucks ass.  Just saying. 

It's been a while.

I've been in the Navy now for about five months.  

I graduated from RTC, on 22APR2011, and made my way down to Corps school in San Antonio Texas.

I've been here for about 3 and a half months, and although it's hot and disgusting here, sometimes I'm having the time of my life.  I told my friend in a total of six months starting from the day i left for RTC, to august 23rd I would've gone to a total of four states. 

So let me just tell you a little about Corps School. 

• It's not easy, some people understand it easily while others have to lock themselves in their closets, study for hours on end just to understand it.  But in the end the people who do the most, get more out of it.
• You can either make enemies here, or you can make friends you know you'll have for the rest of your life.  Try not to make the enemies.
• Always have something sweet on you, it'll keep you up during the death by powerpoint slides.
• Save up to buy coffee for the class, you'll need it. 
• Make sure you don't take yourself, your class, or your leadership for granted.  When you do you'll realize you're not any better then you were five months ago when you were in Bootcamp.  Things haven't changed that much.
• You still march everywhere you go, except this time you're not as close, and this time the cadences are alot funner:)
• There's still drama, it's up to you if you want to be in it or out of it.
• don't spend all your money, you say you won't but trust me you will.
• Try your hardest to keep what you have because you never know when it'll be gone.  You can get kicked out in an instant, the Navy doesn't have a problem sending you undesignated. 

Where am I headed to next?

I'm going to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina.  I'm working at the Naval hospital there, and maybe I can get my lazy ass up and start excercising so that way when I'm done with my duty I can volunteer to go to FMTB.  Apparently if you work in the hospital or somewhere for a period of time like six months and above you can volunteer to go to Iraq and Afghanistan, I think I might just do that.  You never know maybe I can save a life or something.

What's happened since I've been gone?

• Thing 1 and thing 2 have grown up without me:( geez I still remember when Thing 1 turned one, now she's 11 and thing 2 is two today!
• A friend from elementary school passed away sometime last week.  He was fighting the war in afghanistan stepped on an IED, lost his legs.  He died in the hospital.
• I thank Julien everyday for helping me make this decision, it's because of him that I'm a corpsman.
• I've made friends that I will never forget, and I've got memories that will never fade away:)
• Some times days just blend in with days, but it's days where I'm with my best friends that I remember everything :)

5 Days til Boot Camp!

Wow it's been a while since I've written on the dear old blog!

You know everything's only gotten worse in the past week, maybe it's just nervousness and going to boot camp, but I don't know if I'll be as good as I thought I would be without my ENTIRE family's support.  My aunt and I got into this huge fight, and we haven't talked in a week.  Unfortunately it's her choice or not if she wants to leave things the way they are.  I did try to fix them, but I guess that only made things worse.

But you know now I have even more reason to succeed! I can't come back and live in this house and feel like even more of the outsider I've always felt, but that was denied till now.  oh well.

______________________________________________________________

What's up with guys and guilt trips?

I swear I attract the worst guys,

1. Races constantly, I can't be with a guy who takes that many chances with his life

2. Wants me to take my shirt off for him, and basically take a picture of my boobs

And when I end relationships with these men, or they don't get what they want I get guilt tripped.  

Why should I have to worry about what you think now when I just told you I wasn't interested anymore, when I told you NO, get over yourself.  the world doesn't revolve around you, or at not my world!

_______________________________________

Things I'll miss in boot camp

1. My mom

2. Singing thing 2 to sleep when she's grouchy

3. My phone

4. My computer

5. My loyal readers:)

6. Knowing what's going to happen tomorrow.

7. Stefanie Lynn Burns:) My best friend.

8. I'm going to miss talking to my sister from another mother every weekend, but I still have letters:)

9.Facebook

10. Music

11. Reading my romance books, and wishing I had some of that in my life.

_____________________________

I dream of:

I realize that my ambassadorship was a little much, so I've just decided to own a chain of book stores, all across the world.  Nana's corner here we come!

I want to own at least 2 acres of land, and build a house with a wrap around porch, and know that my future family will be safe.

I want to travel the world, and go to every country at least once, including those in Africa- yes even the war torn countries

I want to learn at least three different languages, I don't have to be fluent but knowing them would be nice:)

___________________________________

What do you dream of your future?  What would you miss most if you were going to be without these things for TWO MONTHS! Two years even?!?

Oh I forgot, I'll have one more post on monday, before I leave for boot camp but until then I'll be in San Diego.  Wish me luck guys! I'm going to need it!