Rants.

So today I've been incredibly lazy, and I hate it. But I can't seem to stop.

I've gotten into this routine where its basically sit on my butt and watch TV, and that's partly my fault. But it's also having to watch the baby for practically a month, day and night. So there wasn't much I could do.

And Now when I can do something with my life, I don't because of just that fact, because I'm lazy.

I know that in order to get myself really going I need to do something drastic. And I've thought and thought about it, about what I want to do. And I know that by joining the military it's just that change that I need. But I've heard so many things about it. And not all of it is good.

I know that if I don't do this, I'll get a dead end job like everyone else and I'll struggle to make ends meet and instead of GETTING AHEAD I'll end up TRYING to get ahead. And I don't want that. I don't want that for me or for my family. I know that if I do do this, I can help my family. I can send some money for my grandma. I can make sure Rayahni has money put away for school. I can send money to my Uncle Todd to help pay for his treatments. I can make sure my mom doesn't go into debt anymore, and that Kai has everything she needs when she needs it. Maybe not all at once but it could happen.

I don't want to struggle. That's whats important to me. And I know that I will if I don't do this. I've seen all of my family struggle, and that'll not be me! It will not.

For this particular story, I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with it. But I thought that it would be an interesting thing to write about it. I didn't do enough research and had severe writers block.

Prologue
"I'll be back in six months Morgan." Caleb kissed his wife as though he would never see her again. He drew away slowly when his daughter pulled at his uniform jacket. His wife's cheek fell to his chest as they looked at their three year old child. He let his wife go and picked up his daughter. "Hey there, munchkin."
"Daddy. Where are you going?"
"I'm going away for a few months Chastity. Don't worry. I'll be back and we can have that tea party."
"Okay Daddy. I love you."
"I love you to Chastity." He wrapped his free arm around his wife, and hugged her as well. "I love both of you."
How could he do this to them? They were the most perfect thing in his life. He needed them, and always would.
"Sergeant. We're leaving now. Grab your bag and weapon and let's go."
"I'm coming." He put Chastity to her feet, where she grabbed her mothers hand and shared one last kiss with Morgan. "I have to go now. I'll call as soon as I can." He backed away from his family, turned around and headed to the plane.
"Caleb." Morgan said silently. "I love you."
"I love you to Morgan. I'll see you in a couple of months." Don't forget about me. "I promise nothing will happen to me Morgan. Pinky promise." Caleb held out his pinky finger and did it in the air. He turned around once again, and walked towards the plane. When he reached it, he turned around to look at them. Chastity looked so much like her mother, with her blue eyes and blond hair. Their hair blew back in the wind. Chastity in her mothers arms with her head on Morgan's shoulder. His family. And he would do right by them.
He waved one last time, and smiled. The last time they saw him was going to be a memorable one. He boarded the plane, with his men, and sat with his captain.
"It's going to be a long flight Caleb, and a miserable winter. But life isn't going to stop for us. They'll be fine Caleb. Morgan knows how to take care of herself, and she'll take care of Chastity. They'll look out for each other."
"I know George. They are both strong, they need to be. And I need to be here, in the here and now." He looked down at the picture of his family and put it in his jacket pocket. "I need to be in the here and now." He looked at his watch, sighed, and pushed the seat back after they were in the air. ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />San Diego was gone, and it was late in Iraq.



Chapter 1

Caleb had been in Iraq for 2 months, and he was beginning to think the six months would never end. He was 30, a soldier, a father, and a husband. The soldier always came ahead of everything. He had been in the service for 12 years.
He stood in front of the mirror, his weapon leaned against the wall, a razor in his hand. He needed a decent shave.

A Second Chance To Say Good Bye

"It's a long way to Louisiana, isn't it Nana?" I said as I looked down from the clouds.

"Oh, baby doll, isn't it just? It's a long way from Hawaii too."

"I can't see it from here, where is it Nana? Where's home?"

"We're standing in it baby."

I looked around. There were no longer angels flying and the golden gates were gone. Above me was a roof, no longer the stars. The couch was old and shaped like the letter L. The furnace was lit and the dining room table set with the crystal china.

"I can remember holding you while your Mama got ready. You were always getting your hands into something."

The clink of crystal could be heard over her words. Our family was gathered around the table, our hands joined in prayer. I just had my first birthday, and wanted some of that corn.

"I still am, Nana."

"Not as much as you used to baby. You got that pretty little face of yours buried in a book, just like your mama. Not saying that's a bad thing. But you need to look around, you need to notice things while you can, because when you don't… You'll regret what you didn't see."

"Life isn't all about noticing Nana. But feeling as well. It's about the promises we make and the promises we keep. It's about my family and the promise I intend to keep."

Her smile was gone. Replacing it was a stern look that could stop you where you stand. "You don't think I know that Kassandra! I went into the cotton fields everyday with my brothers and sister. Picking so much cotton our hands grew stiff, and when we were finished we'd drag the filled sacks behind us and head home. Don't tell me about the promises and sacrifices we make for our family."

"Ok Nana, don't get your panties in a twist." I laughed. "I don't know what to do anymore Nana. It's not as easy as it once was. It's harder to bring up memories, to remember what it was like to be at home. I no longer have those feelings for home."

"Oh baby doll, nobody ever knows what to do. They just do what they think is right. What they need to think is right. All you have to do is close your eyes and I'll be there with all of your other memories. As for home, and what you need to believe is your home, your feelings will be the same no matter what the time period and where you are." Her smile whispered across her face, reaching her eyes. "Baby doll, you have a gift and a talent. Not a lot of people can say they have both. You have the gift of family and the talent for writing. Use them both wisely, for each is a blessing. Don't hide them from yourself, or the world. Most of all be proud of who you are and what you come from. I know I'm proud of you."

Tears started falling, as the child behind me starts to fall asleep in her booster seat. As nana hugs and comforts me, another carries a sleeping child and tucks her into bed.

"I miss you Nana, don't leave me again, please," I sob. "I need you."

"Baby I've always been here for you. You just haven't noticed. I have to go. But before I do I need to take you somewhere first."

"Where Nana?"

"Here." We stood at her gravesite, surrounded by her friends and family as they lowered her Urn to the ground, with the things most important to her. I looked around and saw me, unaffected by death, smiling at my little cousin who would be one in a week.

"Isn't it enough? I had to say good bye once. Why do I have to say good ye again?"

"Because everyone has to say good bye a countless number of times. But I really have to go now baby doll. Go back to sleep, okay? I love you and I'll always be with you. Tell the family I said hello." She began to disappear, to fade away from my life once again from my life.

"I love you too Nana, I always will."

"Don't forget to just be you Kassandra. Don't forget to show your talent, your gift. Don't forget to be yourself." She was gone completely. And the family was staring to leave the grave site.

With a kiss, I watched myself, hug my mother, comfort her. I watched myself take away her worries, her tears. I watched myself be the person I wanted to be.
"I all ready am." I whispered to both young and old. A question that had been swarming around in my mind for the past few days had been answered. "I all ready am the person I want to be."


I woke up to tears running down my cheeks; a white rose in one hand; a photograph of her in another.

I woke up from a dream I wish never ended.

I woke up knowing I had a second chance to say good bye, a second chance to tell her I loved her. I woke up knowing I was loved.

The Dreams...

The dreams are back,
Scarier then ever.
It feels so real,
The gunshot,
The heartbreak.
The dreams are back,
This time for good.
I can't seem to
Get rid of them.
My heart is pounding
Against my rib cage.
My pulse is beating
Unsteadily.
These dreams have
Haunted me and
Now there here to stay.
The death,
The car that drives away.
The sun setting
Over the horizon.
As I bleed out.
The dreams are back.
And their here to stay.
For a couple of days,
For a couple of weeks,
For a couple of months,
For a couple of years.
Who knows?
All I know is
This dream is back,
And it's here to stay.

This Body

This body doesn't
Have a heart.
It can't have one.
It just keeps braking.
Nothing is valuable
to this body,
Because it's always
Taken away from her.
This body can't love.
This body can't hold.
This body can't live.
This body doesn't
Have a heart,
Because she's afraid
Of what will happen.
This body is scared.
This body is confused.
This body is angry.
This body can't
Have a heart.
With the worlds wars
And Disasters.
This body feels too much,
So what can she do?
This body closed
her heart off.
Now no one
Can reach it.
This body can't
Feel anything, anymore.
And maybe that's
What she wanted,
Maybe that's what
She aimed for.
This body is mine.

Nothing Ever Changes

Waves crash below you,
As you fly across the world.
The sun sets deeper,
As you fly higher.
Nothing ever changes.
The baby screams in
The other room,
Won't it ever stop?
The music is blaring
In my daughters room.
Nothing ever changes.
My body with new child,
The aches in my back.
The hair that falls in my eyes.
Long and dreamy.
Nothing ever changes.
My daughter sneaks out,
I know where she's going.
Baby's still crying,
What can I do?
Nothing ever changes.
Aches, and pain.
Love and joy.
Isn't it all the same?
Nothing ever changes.

Never Forever

Your arms wrapped
Tight around me
Holding me against you.
I lay there,
Dreaming of what could be,
Dreaming of what can't be.
A kiss whispers against my ear
The feeling is everlasting.
Hands move around,
The passion flames
I'm yours for now,
Never forever.

I wanna feel alive

Jump off planes,
Dive deep down.
Jump off bridges,
With a rope at my feet.
I wanna feel alive.
i wanna feel the
Wind in my hair.
I wanna drive
Away from here
I wanna feel alive.
Instead I'm trapt,
In a life that isn't mine.
I wanna climb
the mountains,
And hunt in the forests.
I wanna love on the grass
under the stars.
I wanna be outside
All the time.
I wanna feel alive.
Instead I'm trapt,
In a life that isn't mine.

This Pain

It's so brilliant,
This pain
that I could
Never live without.

This pain
Is hidden beneath
The smiles,
And the whispers.
This pain
Is hidden beneath
The love
You see in me.

I can hide it.
From them,
From myself.
But this pain,
Always comes back.

I wonder
What caused it,
I wonder
If I'll ever
Live without it.

This pain
Breaks me in half.
The blood
In my veins
Turns black.

This pain
Makes me hide
My tears away.

This pain
Never leaves me.
It's always
In the shadows.

This pain
Is only mine
to carry,
It's only mine
to hold.

This pain
This pain
This pain
Is only mine
to hate.

She's Alone

She's alone now
Everyone left her.
They changed,
She's still the same.
Do they notice
How much they hurt her?
Or is it just in her imagination?
She dosent think so.
Shes alone once again.
Alone in the big world
Where things happen
That no one should go through.
Her friends look at her
As if nothing happened.
She's alone once again.
She's the same
While they changed!
It isnt supposed to be like this!
They werent supposed to change!
They werent supposed to grow up!
They were supposed to be
Seven FOREVER!


Her friends changed


But she stayed the same!


Do they realize she's the same girl?


Do they have hearts anymore?


She's alone in the world


That no one should be alone in!


She's 15 and the same.


She has the same heart,


The same brain,


The same beauty,


But with a lonliness.


She's alone in the world.


Her friends left her


She has no one to turn to.


She waits but they dont come back.


She dosent wait any longer


She disappears to a world


That no 15 year old girl


Should be in by their selves.


And when they reach her


She's all ready gone.

The world Turns...

The world turns to dark.
A child weeps.
Her mother isnt there
To save her from him.
She screams, she cries.
She listens for the night sounds
He's hurting her
But she cant feel it.
He's screaming at her
But she cant hear it
His breath smells like whiskey
To her skin.
His eyes pierce through hers.
She's nine
He's thirty.
He's her father.
The world turns to light
A child weeps.
Her mother wasnt there
To save her from him.
The tears fall freely
She wont stop them.
Alone in her room
As always her haven,
Reaching for the father
She never met.
The father that held
Her in his hands
With a smile on his face
The father that isnt
There anymore
To hold her when she cries
The world turns to dark
and it happens again.
This time she feels him.
This time she hears him.
The tears dont come
She holds them back
She cant imagine
Another world not like this one.

Pretty Girl

Pretty Girl
Say's she's sorry
For hurting you
Pretty Girl
Says she didn't mean it
Pretty girl
Is hurting to
She can't live
Without you!
Pretty girl
Doesn't think
She did anything wrong
But she's saying sorry
What did
Pretty girl
Do wrong?
Pretty Girl
Cries at night
Becasue you're not
By her side
Pretty girl
Runs away
Because you were
Never there!

Pretty girl

Cries at night

Becasue she doesn't

Know what she did

To hurt this much.

If only, If Only

If only, if only
The sun would never set.
If only, if only
The world would stop spinning.
What would happen then?
Would the world
Break down or
Would it keep going
Like how it is now?
If only, if only
We stopped to take a breath.
To smell the fresh air,
To look at the beauty in which
The world provides for us.
If only, if only
I found you before.
If only, if only
I didn't know you at all.
Would it hurt this much?
Would tears still come
To my blue eyes?
What would happen
If I never met you?
If I never saw you?
If I never said a word to you?
If only, if only
I knew...

These Lies

These lies you told,
Weigh heavy on my shoulders.
This love for you,
Weighs heavy in my hear.
It holds me back,
When I want to leave,
And drives me to the break.
These lies you tell,
Lay heavy on my body,
But I can't leave your side.
I don't want to.
You lie to me,
But you hold,
And kiss me.
You tell me you love me,
Tell me everything's alright.
These lies I tell
Weigh heavy in my mind.
I lie to myself.
I lie to you.
These lies only break
What's in me.

Cancer Spreading

With Family and Friends
Surrounding her,
She said goodbye,
Tears in her eyes,
She knows she won't live.
Cancer Spread
Her Hair is gone,
Her bodies growing smaller,
Cancer Spreading,
With her family and Friends,
Surrounding her,
She says Good Bye,
As the cancer spreads.
She will never have a child
She'll never marry
Those are just dreams.
Cancer Spreading
Her eyes are big and bright,
She know's she's dieing
And doesn't let it affect her.
Cancers spreading.
Cancers spread.
She's gone.

All Alone

All alone
No one there.
She cries
Holding pictures
Of the ones
She once loved.
They're gone now.
They left her
All alone.
The tears flood her eyes,
As she remembers
The memories they all shared,
The good and the bad,
Before they left her,
All alone
With no one to hold.
With no one to talk to.
With no one to love.
They left her
All alone.
She can't talk to anyone,
Because no one knows
How she feels.
No one knows
What it's like to be,
All alone
With no one to hold her
While she cries,
Over those gone
That were once loved
By her.

My Heart Hurt

My heart hurt
As I watched you
Walk away from me.
I can't remember
Ever having that
Feeling before.
Now that you're
Walking back to me
My heart skips a beat.
I get butterflies
Whenever you walk by,
Thinking you might
Leave me again.
My heart hurt
When you came back,
I thought you
Were here to stay.
But it turns out
you were giving me
My heart back.
Ripped and tattered
As it was.
It was still my heart.
Alive and beating.
And all yours.

Never let go

To all the soldiers


Hold on tightly,
Promise me,
You'll never
Let go.
No matter,
Where the world
Takes us.
Promise me,
You'll never
Let go.
As you fly
Over the seas.
As you cross
The many deserts.
As you dream,
In far away lands,
Remember to hold me tightly,
And never let go.
Remember I'm there,
When you come home.
Remember I promised
Never to let go.
As I fly home.
As I cross
State Lines
As I dream of you
In our bed.
I remember
Holding you tightly
And promising I would
Never let you go.
As I wait for you,
I hold your heart
And I'll never let it go.

These Feelings

These feelings.
They're always there.
Even when I don't
Want them to be.
I don't want to
Cry over them,
But I do.
I don't want to
Hurt myself,
Thinking it's my fault.
But yet I do.
These feelings
Of hurt and pride.
Their all mixed into one.
I'll cry when I'm alone.
Even though
I don't want to.
I'll hurt when I'm alone.
Even though
I hate to.
I'll let them get to me
When I'm alone.
Because that's what
I need to do.
I need to feel
These feelings
Although I don't want to.
I need to hurt
This much,
Because it keeps me alive.
I need to hurt,
Because it keeps me closer,
To the ones that've hurt me.
These feelings
Haunt me in my sleep,
They haunt me
As I awake.
These feelings of love,
These feelings of hurt,
These feelings of hate,
Circle in me,
Waiting for the
Right moment
To awaken.
Waiting for the right moment,
To show the world.
These feelings
Are what's in me.
Day in and
Day out.
These are the
Things I feel.
These are the
Things I need to feel.
This is my life.
These feelings
Are my life,
My love,
My everything.