Merry Christmas!

Okay so I decided to try a different layout this round.  It's almost the New Year which means everything starts new.  My blog starts a whole new journey, I start my new journey which includes running, sit-ups, and push-ups, I start my journey to become a U.S Navy Sailor.

 What are you Thankful for this Holiday Season?

1. My family

2. The opportunity to SERVE my country, not a lot of people can do that right now

3. The troops overseas that can be with their families today.

4. My FREEDOM.

What's Been New in your Life?

1. I broke up with my ex boyfriend Ryan after two months and told him I wasn't in love with him and I didn't think I ever was.

2. I leave in 1 month four weeks and 1 day I believe(Check the countdown on the bottom of the page)

3. One of my best friends from high school died in Iraq, he was supposed to be home for christmas, I guess God decided he needed his help in heaven, what can we say against it?  His funeral is on the thirtieth :( rest in Peace Julien Chabin, you'll always be a marine

4. It's almost the end of 2010, which means hello 2011 show me the men!!!

What are your Resolutions for the New Year?

1. Work out everyday whether or not it's outside or inside.

2.Start working on those push-ups, sit-ups, and running!  Lots of running!

3. Limiting my time on facebook, I need to stop going on everyday.

4. Spend as much time with my family as I possibly can?

What Will I Miss Most?

1. My Family

2. My friends

3. My baby cousin Thing 2, it's almost like she's mine, I spend every waking minute with her.  

4. My books.

5. My TV Shows, it's a good thing there's internet in this world that's all I got to say!

Ever Notice...

How the world seems to revolve around certain people in your life.

How one person can make you smile.

How one person can make your day by doing the littlest of things. 

When everything bad seems to happen all at once, someone can always make you smile again.

How babies make everyone smile, just because they have the power of cuteness.

How little girls will always like barbies, and boys will always like cars, for me hopefully the girls will like cars too!

How cartoons just get more and more stupider until they aren't even funny anymore!

How we reminisce about the good days but we never live in the present.  

How we start planning our Christmas list that week and new things pop up a week before Christmas?  I still want those Hungry Hungry Hippos!

That the people around you will always care about you, even when you screw things up unintentionally.

So how's that for a new layout?  I had fun with it.  I'll soon be in the United States Navy as a full pledged Sailor, but until then...

Future Sailor Peters signing off!

Future Sailor Peters, Thing 2, and Thing 1 wish you a very merry Christmas!

Mele Kalikimaka Everyone!  

3 Months, 1 Week, 4 Days...

Then my new life begins.

It's as simple as that really.  In 3 Months, 1 Week, and 4 Days, I'll find out whether or not I'm strong enough to be a United States Sailor.  I'll find out if I have what it takes to be apart of the greatest Navy in all of the world.  I'll find out if I can wear that Uniform so many of my family have worn, whether or not it was for the U.S Marines (my father, and cousin Greg), The U.S Army (Grandpa Urb on Dads side, and cousin Brandon), U.S Air Force (Grandpa on moms side, and Uncle Jesse.) And I think I have friends and family in the Navy as well.

In 3 months, 1 week, and 4 days, I'll start a new chapter of my life.  A chapter where I can begin finding myself, and who I want to be.  A chapter in which I can find out if this is what I want for me.  If it is I'll enlist again, if it isn't then I tried and that's what it's all about.  I'll start a new chapter where I am Me and my country are my number 1 Priority.  I'll start a new chapter, the main chapter in my life.  The chapter where it's just me and although my family plays an important roll in my life, they'll be my background characters.  They'll be there supporting me, but this time it's just me.  Maybe that sounds conceded but for my entire life It's always been the four of us recently(such as last year) we've added on my favorite baby cousin Thing 2.  But for my summer, and my fall my life has been revolved around these 5 people. And now it also revolves around my boy friend.

He says he wants it all.  he wants to marry me, he wants to grow old with me.  But I'm not ready to sign my life away to that institution.  I have to admit that I'm scared.  I'm scared and that's not an easy thing for me to say.  It's easy to dream about being together but I just turned 19! I can't even drink legally.  Some people you know can do it just fine! And I'm not saying they can't.  I'm saying I want to live my life first.  I want to go out with the girls on the weekends and be able to drink and have fun with the occasional flirt and not worry what's my husband going to think about this?  I know I'll have to tell him this, but I can't tell him yet.  I can't bring myself too.  Before we go to bootcamp!  Promise.

I can do this.  I'll start working out today.  I'm going to have to start waking up way early to go on runs.  But I can do this, I know I can do this.  I know I can.  So why am I still trying to figure out if it's real?  Maybe because I know it won't be real until I get there.

If able to please go Mrs. Good Night Moon, she's my favorite Marine Corps wife.  I go to her page almost everyday just to see whats going on.  Also if you want to understand the life of a Future Sailor turned Sailor please go to Ms. Sailor Taylors' page.  I promise you'll get your laughs in!

A Great Way to Start off my Birthday.

I'm sorry I'm going to complain.  this is the only place I can complain where my family won't see it  well because they don't check my blog, so it's my safe spot.  I don't have to watch what I say on here like I have to on facebook.  If I say one wrong thing my Aunt, my Mom, and My little cousin lets just call her thing 1 jump on my back about it like crazy!

Well anyway, todays my birthday as seen above and instead of getting happy birthdays when I wake up, I get thing 1 turning over my blanket, which I'm sleeping in to find her phone. 

What are you doing?

Looking for my phone.

It's by the TVgo away.

So she grabs her phone and I go back to sleep.  Second thing I hear is her on the phone and her mom speaking clear as day through the SPEAKER!  I can allready tell she's going to be one of those abnoxious people who have their cell phones on speaker in the resturaunts while their eating!  But it wasn't the simple I love you mom kinda call it was a call over hair products!  So you know I yell "thing 1 cna you take it off speaker please some people are trying to sleep." And in turn I get "I don't like holding it up to my ear, and Mom said to shut up Keith(Aunt's boyfriend) is sleeping in the other room!" And so I move to my moms room thinking I won't be able to hear her as much, and she goes into the bathroom calls her friend and YALA!!! I CAN STILL HEAR THEM!  Rayahni still has the speaker on and I can't sleep anymore. 

I'm about to go on the computer when Thing 2(thing 1's little sister) starts screaming 'thing 1, thing 1" over and over again. So I get up and grab her, grab the computer, and go out in the living room where I get even more attitude. I get just stop talking all readys, I get drop your attitudes, and I just say I'm allowed it's my BIRTHDAY.  I don't know how many times I had to say that and she finally got the message where she says "Happy birthday."  I get more enthusiastic birthdays on Facebook thank you.

Well that was my complaint of the day!  Thanks for listening.

Issues of the day.

Once again, there's no motivation to get things done.  I have 4 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days left till boot camp. And honestly adding the months and weeks in there is a lot better then just counting the days.  The Days just make the time go by slower.  Right now it's right around the corner.

In the past week I've had love problems, I've had so much fun!  I've had drama within my family but we won't be getting into that.  

Boot Camp is seriously right around the corner, and I'm not ready.  I mean I'm excited and I can't wait, but I need to get physically prepared for this, and physically prepared for the Career that I've chosen.

Onto this weeks issues:(

First off the Westboro baptist church that pickets outside of military funerals.  They hold signs outside of these dead soldiers saying that God is killing them because of the homosexuals, because we as America allow homosexuals into our country.  First of all we don't allow anything, they are the way they are.  They are what they need to be to be themselves, that is the life they want to live and we can't tell them anydifferent.  the wear shirts that say "GOD HATES FAGS!" and carry signs that say "THANK GOD FOR DEAD SOLDIERS", or "THANK GOD FOR 9/11."  The pastor of the Westboro baptist church even goes as far as saying that he HATES JEWS, and that the Holocaust was a word starting with an M(I forgot what it was).

They are right however, due to the first Amendment based on freedom of speech, among many other freedoms they have a right to do this.  But there is a time and a place.  You can't stalk every military burial.  You can't hold signs forever.  In my opinion this is a form of harrassment.  

But out of something ugly always comes something good.

The second issue today is of Teen Suicide

Yes I said it Suicide.  Many teens are bullied whether or not it's at school, work, or the computer.  

Some people just can't take it anymore, they feel like no one can help them, no one can do anything.  I know because at one time I was bullied as well.  I remember only having one friend through fifth and sixth grade.  I remember a girl telling me how much she'd like to hit me because I was white using messages on myspace.  I remember a friend of mine telling me how ugly I was and that I had yellow teeth because I smoked and everyday he'd ask how the weed was, and that I was gay because I haven't had my first kiss yet.  And this was all before I reached the age of 14.  

My little cousin goes through it now.  Her friends tell her that Hawaiians are dumb, that she's fat.  And she believes it. 

 I have to repeatedly tell her that it's not true.  I have to tell her that it doesn't matter what people believe because we know what we are.  We know that we are important, we know that Hawaiians aren't stupid.  I mean how could we be?  We have our own dance, we have our own language although most is forgotten now.  We have had our own Gods, we have our own legends.  How can we be stupid?

I have to tell her that she is beautiful, that she isn't fat.   

We have to stop this now!  We can't allow it to stay, to haunt our children, and our childrens' children.  

You know everyday the political commercials come on and I see them probably 10-15 times a day.  And all that is bullying.  We tell our kids not to do it and they turn on the TV and they see that.  Why not instead of saying all the bad be like he/she has done a good job so far, but what I can offer is better.  In order to stop the future generation from bullying, this generation needs to stop.

Thanks for reading :) I think that this is a good way to the day and it gets the creative/debative forces going.  I'd love to know your opinions on both Protesting at Military funerals, and bullying.  Please feel free to drop an email.  I'll have more issues within the next couple of weeks to share.

Thanks again:)

I'm in!

Last night at around 5:00 I swore into the Navy.  I said the pledge that makes me a Sailor of the United States Navy.  I leave February 23,2011.  It seems more real now than ever.  I told my swear in buddy that before I didn't want to work out and not get in.  Before it seemed like it was beyond reach, it seemed before that it was on the other side of the mountain and no matter how far I climbed I couldn't see it.  But now it's on top of that mountain.  Now it's in my reach.  Now it's really happening.

I am a Hospital Corpsman in the United States Navy, I have the opportunity to work with Marines, and many sorts of people.

I have the opportunity to stretch out my wings and fly!  I can go to a thousand different places, see a thousand different things, experience a thousand different things.

I have the power to change the world, to make my mark on it.

Watch me do it, watch me live a life I want to live.  Watch me make mistakes, and then fix it.  Watch me become the me I've always wanted to be!

September 11, 2001

I know that September 11 was yesterday, but seeing as I didn't have internet I wasn't able to post anything.

I remember what happened that day like it was yesterday.  I had just moved to O'ahu from the Big Island, a few days before it happened and we were waiting for my Aunt and my little cousin to fly up as well.  My mom was looking for a job, and we were looking for a place to live, since we were living with my Uncle Jesse.

Anyway, I was getting ready for school when someone called my Uncle Jesse.  After that phone call he ran into living room, turned on the TV, changed the channel and just stood there.  He called my mom in shortly afterwards, and when she didn't come back I went into the living room and I watched my Uncles fist curl in hatred, I saw tears coming to my mothers eyes.  I turned my face and saw the plane hit the buildings over and over again.  I saw them tumble, I saw the ash cloud that took over the city.

You have to realize, compared to New York City, I was on the other side of the world.  The only place I've been to on the Mainland was California.  New York was a dream to me, I know it existed but I didn't think I was ever going to get there, or that I was ever going to see it even in TV.  Not only was I on the other side of the world, but I wasn't even 10 yet. It took so long to grasp what happened.

I remember when my mom dropped me off at school, no one had smiles on their faces.  That's the thing that killed me the most.  There were hello's but there was no smile to make it genuine.  The news was on in every classroom and towards the middle of the day we went outside and we stood in a circle, all holding hands, the United States Flag in the middle of us, I remember saying a prayer with my classmates, and singing the Star Spangled Banner.

I remember going home and asking my mother why it happened, I don't remember her response.

But now it's been nine years since that fateful day.  It's been nine years since our country, our world has changed.  But we've lost sight of ourselves.  We forget why our soldiers are there, at least most of us.  They are not fighting for oil, they are not fighting something that happened nine years ago, although that is apart of it.  They are fighting because our lives, our country, what we as a people stand for, and our freedom has been threatened.  They are fighting to allow us to keep our freedom.

My bucket list.

You always dream about what might happen to you, that's just apart of being human.  Everyone dreams about everything.  Today my cousin asked me how would I like to die, and the question has plagued me.  

Would I like to die in the line of duty?

Would I like to die in a hospital bed with my loved ones surrounding me?

Would I like to die of old age, sleeping?

There are so many scenarios.  And honestly I don't know.  What I do know is that I want to live my life to the fullest, I want to do the things that I've always wanted to do

My Bucket List (so far):

1. Go back to Hawai'i

2. Scuba Dive

3. Sky diving

4. The biggest roller coaster in the world!

5. Change someone's life for the better

6. Marry

7. Get my degree, maybe in political science?

8. Have children

9. Tell my family I love them each and every day.

10. Live my life.

There will be more to come, that's just my beginning.

I'll try to put 5-10 on the end of each blog, however I can't promise anything, in the end if I don't think of anything else, and make it into one big blog.  

I wish those people who have gone to boot camp or waiting to go, or those that are still in the process to become a United States Sailor, Soldier, or anything else tons of luck.  We'll need it.

I will do this!

I will become a Sailor in the United States Navy, I will do this.  Nothing is stopping me from doing this except for myself.  I WILL DO THIS!  I will make my family proud of me.  I will make the world proud of me.  I will make myself proud.  I have something to prove, to myself, to the world.  Lets do this!

Motivation?

You know, I was in the shower thinking about what I was going to write in this.  And now it's completely left me.  All the words I had planned out!  Man don't you just hate that.

But the reason why I chose this particular topic is because I have none, I've lost my excitement for life, I've lost my energy, my need to just be apart of the bigger picture.  And I'm not sure why this is.  Maybe I'm just stuck, or maybe it's because people bury me in the dirt whenever I tell them what I plan on doing.  Such as...  my father.  I told him I was planning on joining the Navy, after MEPS, and he tells me oh?  Really?  As if he expects less from me.  And then I get i trouble for asking my aunt about some information I needed to know.  What else am I supposed to do, my step mom, grandma, and dad aren't picking up the phone.

In the beginning I get so excited about something, about everything.  And then I start to talk to people about it like my mom, and the subject begins to fade and I'm no longer excited about it.  Or at least you can't see the excitement on the outside.

I'm not like my cousins, I did horrible in School, in my personal life.  And so I learn when being questioned about anything just shut down.  Take everything in, but don't answer.  Kind of just disappear in the wood workings or whatever it's called.

So I need to find motivation.  And maybe that comes with getting a job.  Which lets just say not alot of people are hiring right now!

I don't know but either way I have to get up and start getting motivated!  This week will be busy of just doing that.  Motivation!

So...

I didn't get the job:(

But maybe I wasn't meant to.  I have no idea what I'm supposed to do until boot camp, I don't even know when I go to boot camp.  Maybe it'll be soon.

The day before I went to meps I got a fortune that basically said something good will happen in three months.  Maybe it's me graduating boot camp:) or maybe it's going to Boot camp:)  Who knows?  I still have to wait to know if I'm in, I needed my medical Records, which I'm hoping my recruiter got and faxed over to MEPS San Diego.

I hope I'm able to do this, that's the only thing disqualifying me right now, and that's because I had my birthmark removed because moles decided to grow on it.

I'm supposed to be paying rent, just a small amount of it like a hundred dollars, but because I've been babysitting like two weeks a month, both day and night I haven't been able to find a job so because I'm babysitting I'm working off my rent.  But I feel bad because my mom has to pay for me.  And I'm tired of using her money, but there's nothing I can do about it.  Not till after I get a job, or I go to boot camp.  Hopefully I'll go soon.  I'm really tired of fighting with my family, about such things like money or sharing a room with my little cousin, I know she hates it most of the time.

Maybe with distance we'll all get along again.  We won't have to bicker, and I won't get yelled at about how to do my job as a babysitter.    I need a break from my family.

We'll see what happens.

I have an Interview tomorrow!

Okay so I realized there's nothing much else to say about MEPS other than it's a long wait and so on and so forth.  So when I go again, maybe there will be a little something extra!   lol.

But I have a job interview tomorrow at the beauty Center, hopefully i get the job because it helps to have something to do.  I've been insanely bored and while waiting to go to boot camp it would be great to have something to do.

MEPS

So this Sunday I began the journey to start my new life.  My new adventures.

On Sunday me and a couple of others form Vegas, let's just give them names so you know who I'm talking about.  One is Hottie (there were lots of hotties in the van but this one was defiantly hotter then the rest), trouble maker(second time enlisting), tester( first time he took the ASVAB), trusting( she hands out trust easily), talker( doesn't exactly be quiet but does have those moments), Boats( Nick name given to him by his friends in the Navy, had to reenlist even though he's in the Reserves), and the recruiter.  Now all I need is to tell you about the trip and the experience of MEPS. Oh I forgot one, Ms. Keeps to herself.

So on Sunday we're leaving the main office and we have to go get Ms. Keeps to herself at another location because she forgot one of the papers that she needed to bring along.  So after that we start our five hour drive to  San Diego in which Talker, Trusting and I became good friends, and Boats taught us how to count cards.  It's not illegal it's just frowned upon.  We talked about a variety of different things like ex boyfriends, trust issues, caring for yourself first and so on and so forth.  We also played a really long game in which you say every word you can think of that starts with the same letter and if you don't have one you start with the next letter.  Let me just tell you Recruiter is awesome at that game!

We got to the Hotel, and I hang out with Talker, and Trusting in there room for a bit.  Before my best friend calls me and tells me she'll come in the next hour or so. So Boats, Talker, trusting and I go to Chilis  and eat a little dinner.  And then we come back and my best friend, Nicole and her boy friend, the marine, pick me upat the hotel.  I watch them eat at pick up stix, and I get a fortune cookie that basically says something good will happen in three months!  Hopefully it's Boot Camp!  But after that we go and see down town San Diego.  And let me tell you, It's gorgeous and the padres stadium is huge.  We went over the Coronado Bridge and I fell in love.  Just the height and the water below me, I thought I could fly.  I thought everything would be okay.

But enough about the night before, let me tell you about MEPS itself, first of all, lots of Marines, Army, and future coast guards left for Boot Camp yesterday.  Second of all don't wear jeans with holes, and if you do make sure you have extra pants, and a jacket too. Third of all never lie!  and that is a must.  You'll have your vision, hearing, urine, and blood tested.  urine's the most difficult.  They watch you.  it's a lot of sitting and waiting.  I couldn't pick my job because i didn't have my medical records about the surgery I had when i was younger so i'll get that by the end of this week or next.  Right now this is all I have to say because I'm tired of using my aunts computer and mine isn't working.

So I'll update you once again about MEPS when either my computer decides to work, or i have another keyboard to use.

So I've been...

Trying to write everyday since I decided that this is what I was going to do.

I took my ASVAB today, got a 57.  And that's okay with me.  Right now I'm outlining all the jobs I can do so that when I go to Meps, I know what I can do and what I can't and I won't be disappointed in the Rate that I have chosen.

Ladies if you haven't allready taken your asvab make sure you dress comfortably, and bring a jacket it get's cold in there.

So I Called my Recruiter...

and asked if we were still on for today.

He said he was just waiting for his supervisor to call him back and tell him my record was made:) so let's hope.  And if it's not created today, then let's hope i can take it sometime this week.

I really want this, I want to be in the Navy, but my family doesn't understand.  They I should just call the air force all ready.  But I don't want that.  I want what I want.

No Asvab today

So I guess there was no reason to be nervous.  I should've known this would happen!  My recruiter did it to me yesterday as well but that was completely understandable, I mean meps is a busy place!

But you know this was a planned day! I was supposed to take my ASVAB and go to MEPS tomorrow.  But that's not in my plans.  So my aunt and I made all these plans about who was going to babysit the baby, so that I could do this!  And instead I can't take the test today(even though it was planned for one and a half weeks), because apparently the military has no record of me to take the ASVAB, and if I had taken it today it would've been months before I had gotten to go To meps!  And the thing that really sucks is he didn't tell me until thirty minutes before our appointement to work on the Papers for MEPS!

So instead of the original plan I take the ASVAB tomorrow and leave sunday for meps and come back Monday Night.  I guess at least I'm still going right?

Okay so I lied.  I was supposed to originally take it on Friday, but because it was a training day it got postponed till today, and now it's postponed till tomorrow!

I'm so nervous...

I take the ASVAB Today!!!

I'm not ready for it, it's just that.  I suck at math, I woke up early so that I can babysit my baby cousin while my aunt's at work.

I have to call my other cousin, that's watching her for me at one, and tell her she has to stay here because my aunt took the car seat with her,

I've got a meeting with my recruiter at 1300, to fill out the paperwork I was supposed to fill out yesterday for MEPS.  And if I do well on the test I'll be going to MEPS on Wednesday, which is the only good thing I have to say about today.

Hopefully I won't have to deal with a grumpy baby all day.  or at least till 12:45.

And I forgot the cousin that is watching her is allergic to cats and dogs.  This is just perfect!  Oh well.  There's my life for you.

So My Recruiter just Called!...

Most exciting news ever guys! Or maybe that's just me! But I was scheduled to take the ASVAB here In Las Vegas, NV tomorrow. And instead I might be going to SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA. It's not a positive thing but I'll know by tonight:)

Hopefully I can become apart of the United States Navy sooner than later:)

The Pledge of Allegiance...

I know that I just posted a blog but a friend of mine brought this up. She had read my last entry and asked how long did it take us to memorize the pledge of allegiance. And I swear I have the best long term memory in the world(jk), but I thought about this and I realized I don't think I actually said it until the second grade. From Kindergarten to First Grade, most of us just mumble when it's time to say the Pledge of Allegiance. And even though we were told time and time again what it meant, we had no idea what it meant to us. We had no idea about what it meant to us as a country, as a whole, as citizens of the best country we know, The United States of America.

A friend of mine, Gina Chloe Ringle said:

"I was always perplexed by 'And to the Republic for 'witchit Stands'..' As a little kid I wondered what witchit stands were and I pictured those caution:Slipper when wet signs but with a witch on them. Talk about mumbling your way through it! ;)"

And that's how most of us are as kids. We constantly wonder why we're saying this everyday. We're constantly wondering why this routine is so important in our lives.

But maybe right now, right at this very moment we should wonder what these words mean to us.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Maybe we should write these words down on paper and see just what we think about it. Write adjectives or verbs, nouns or pronouns. Just write something!

In the past few years I understand that people are trying to take the "G" word out of the pledge, you know the one I'm talking about. And when it first came up I was all for it. I didn't want to be watched by a entity I wasn't sure about. But now, I'm sure of what I believe. I believe there is an entity above us that watches us and wants the best for us. And if we take the time to read the pledge slowly, you'll realize that without this one word the pledge is just words, and maybe that's a little strong let's try this for size. If we change the Pledge of Allegiance now, it won't be the same. If we take a few words out the meaning will change and once again we'll be searching for the meaning, we as a country will be lost.

So at this moment:

I pledge MY allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the government for all of it's hard work. I pledge MY Allegiance to one Nation under God, to help other Nations and people that need to be helped. I will not be left behind or divided by my peers if that makes sense. And I will protect those that need protection, and serve justice to those that need to be served with it.

This is what I think of when I think of the Pledge of Allegiance. What about you?

I've memorized the Sailors Creed!

So a couple of weeks ago my fried who was once interested in the navy sent me an email with the Sailors creed, the 11 general orders of a sentry, a bunch of terms, ranks and insignias and the phonetic alphabet.

So it's taken me a couple of days to write all of them down on index cards. For the Sailors creed almost every word has it's own card, with the smaller words there are 2 in 1. It took me 52 cards. but it took two times to shuffle and go through them for me to remember it. Ready for this:

I am a United States Sailor
I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America and I will obey the orders of those appointed over me
I represent the fighting spirit of the Navy and those who have gone before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world
I proudly serve my country's Navy with honor, Courage and Commitment
I am committed to excellence and the fair treatment of all

See look at how easy that was! just make sure you number the cards on the back and Don't cheat!

For the 11 gentry orders, I've written each one on it's own card and then I've written numbers on other cards. and hopefully when I memorize these I can mix up the numbers and know which one goes to which number.

I went into my aunt's room and was like "guess what"

she was "like what!"

I said "I memorized the Sailors creed want to hear it!"

she said "I'm not really interested in that but I'm sure you'll tell me anyway."

"not if you don't want to hear it so are you sure"
I
"yes I'm more interested in the fact that you're JOINING the Navy."


I guess it took me a while to get to the point, even if your family isn't interested in the little picture, like the little things you may learn that'll help you in the Navy, they are interested and very proud that we are joining the Navy, that we are leaving them to protect and defend them with our lives.

We must not lose sight of the bigger picture either. WE are becoming a Team. A team that'll protect our country, provide civilians with the things they've always wanted. And one day we will be thanked, one day the world will thank us for defending freedom and democracy all over the world:)

We will do our job, and most of us will love it. Others will want to leave:( but either way we have made our decision and we will stick with it:)

My Process has started!

So on Tuesday I started my papers to join the United States Navy. Yes me a Sailor! I'm so excited to call myself a future Sailor!

I've wanted this since I was a kid. At first I wanted to join the Air Force, and then growing up I looked into every other branch, what can I say the internet is amazing!

(The Star Spangled Banner was playing just a minute ago and I realized one of these days that last line will be meant for me, "Home of the brave." I will be one of the brave)

Well back to what I was saying. When I looked into the Navy I was blown away, this was me. I was going to be a sailor. So you know I posted a couple of statuses on facebook saying meeting with the navy recruiters, and some of my family blew up. What about the Air Force they'd say. And one of my uncles, although previously in the Air Force went all Anti military on me. That's so Ironic! lol. But that's not important anymore. I've made my decision.

Why am I joining the Navy you may ask? Well there's many reasons.
1. I need it, I need to feel like I'm wanted, like I'm needed and there's nothing like being apart of something bigger then you are to feel that. I also need the discipline the Navy gives to it's Sailors both land based and sea based.

2. It's a great opportunity to get ahead in life. And with the benefits! HOLY CRAP, I mean if you stick with it, you'll be set for life!

3. The traveling, can I say please board me on a ship now and take me away! Take me away! On deployment I can visit from 4-6 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! Yes I said it 4-6 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES in 6 months! Yes this is me being super excited!

4. I am a woman, and alot of times, or at least with me, men pull the "I am man, I am stronger." and I'd just love to say back "I can do anything you can better!" but I'm no longer 5 years old! lol.

5. This is my opportunity to make my country proud of me, to make my family proud, to make my father proud (long story behind that one), and most importantly to make MYSELF proud of me.

If you want any more information about any of these reasons please let me know. Maybe I'll put the reason to making my father proud up. But let me tell you more of the process first so that if you are thinking about joining the Navy or any other branch, you know what to expect. However I must say that every branch is different and that makes every person's experience different as well.

I started my process in May. I had just finished with my first year of college and decided that College wasn't for me. I tried, but I didn't succeed. My mom had asked me if I had ever thought about the military and I told her the truth. I always had it on my mind I just never did anything about it. I had looked into the Army, Army National Guard, the Marines(I'm one crazy girl), and a tad bit of the Air Force. So when we got home I looked into the Navy and like I said earlier, I knew this was for me.

I called my recruiter and that's when I started. I got all the information, looked at the jobs online, they all look so good so I have no idea what I'll do. And I left it at that, and then I had to do more looking into the Air Force. And my grandfather came into town the end of June/beginning of July, and told me that I had to do it for me. So I called my Navy Recruiter and told him that I had made my decision. I was joining the Navy!

I started my paperwork on Tuesday, July 6th. Let me tell you if you have any tattoos, you'll have to sign a waiver of each one saying where they are, how big they are, what they are of, the colors, and what they mean to you. Also in the medical questionnaire, the small things don't matter. And the things that happened oh about 10-15 years ago, doesn't really matter. There's alot of Initialing to do and lots of signing, but the big signature doesn't happen until after you decide on your job, and you swear to protect your country. That's all I can tell you for now. I take my ASVAB on Tuesday, hopefully so I'll let you know about everything that happens when it happens

Rants.

So today I've been incredibly lazy, and I hate it. But I can't seem to stop.

I've gotten into this routine where its basically sit on my butt and watch TV, and that's partly my fault. But it's also having to watch the baby for practically a month, day and night. So there wasn't much I could do.

And Now when I can do something with my life, I don't because of just that fact, because I'm lazy.

I know that in order to get myself really going I need to do something drastic. And I've thought and thought about it, about what I want to do. And I know that by joining the military it's just that change that I need. But I've heard so many things about it. And not all of it is good.

I know that if I don't do this, I'll get a dead end job like everyone else and I'll struggle to make ends meet and instead of GETTING AHEAD I'll end up TRYING to get ahead. And I don't want that. I don't want that for me or for my family. I know that if I do do this, I can help my family. I can send some money for my grandma. I can make sure Rayahni has money put away for school. I can send money to my Uncle Todd to help pay for his treatments. I can make sure my mom doesn't go into debt anymore, and that Kai has everything she needs when she needs it. Maybe not all at once but it could happen.

I don't want to struggle. That's whats important to me. And I know that I will if I don't do this. I've seen all of my family struggle, and that'll not be me! It will not.

For this particular story, I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with it. But I thought that it would be an interesting thing to write about it. I didn't do enough research and had severe writers block.

Prologue
"I'll be back in six months Morgan." Caleb kissed his wife as though he would never see her again. He drew away slowly when his daughter pulled at his uniform jacket. His wife's cheek fell to his chest as they looked at their three year old child. He let his wife go and picked up his daughter. "Hey there, munchkin."
"Daddy. Where are you going?"
"I'm going away for a few months Chastity. Don't worry. I'll be back and we can have that tea party."
"Okay Daddy. I love you."
"I love you to Chastity." He wrapped his free arm around his wife, and hugged her as well. "I love both of you."
How could he do this to them? They were the most perfect thing in his life. He needed them, and always would.
"Sergeant. We're leaving now. Grab your bag and weapon and let's go."
"I'm coming." He put Chastity to her feet, where she grabbed her mothers hand and shared one last kiss with Morgan. "I have to go now. I'll call as soon as I can." He backed away from his family, turned around and headed to the plane.
"Caleb." Morgan said silently. "I love you."
"I love you to Morgan. I'll see you in a couple of months." Don't forget about me. "I promise nothing will happen to me Morgan. Pinky promise." Caleb held out his pinky finger and did it in the air. He turned around once again, and walked towards the plane. When he reached it, he turned around to look at them. Chastity looked so much like her mother, with her blue eyes and blond hair. Their hair blew back in the wind. Chastity in her mothers arms with her head on Morgan's shoulder. His family. And he would do right by them.
He waved one last time, and smiled. The last time they saw him was going to be a memorable one. He boarded the plane, with his men, and sat with his captain.
"It's going to be a long flight Caleb, and a miserable winter. But life isn't going to stop for us. They'll be fine Caleb. Morgan knows how to take care of herself, and she'll take care of Chastity. They'll look out for each other."
"I know George. They are both strong, they need to be. And I need to be here, in the here and now." He looked down at the picture of his family and put it in his jacket pocket. "I need to be in the here and now." He looked at his watch, sighed, and pushed the seat back after they were in the air. ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />San Diego was gone, and it was late in Iraq.



Chapter 1

Caleb had been in Iraq for 2 months, and he was beginning to think the six months would never end. He was 30, a soldier, a father, and a husband. The soldier always came ahead of everything. He had been in the service for 12 years.
He stood in front of the mirror, his weapon leaned against the wall, a razor in his hand. He needed a decent shave.

A Second Chance To Say Good Bye

"It's a long way to Louisiana, isn't it Nana?" I said as I looked down from the clouds.

"Oh, baby doll, isn't it just? It's a long way from Hawaii too."

"I can't see it from here, where is it Nana? Where's home?"

"We're standing in it baby."

I looked around. There were no longer angels flying and the golden gates were gone. Above me was a roof, no longer the stars. The couch was old and shaped like the letter L. The furnace was lit and the dining room table set with the crystal china.

"I can remember holding you while your Mama got ready. You were always getting your hands into something."

The clink of crystal could be heard over her words. Our family was gathered around the table, our hands joined in prayer. I just had my first birthday, and wanted some of that corn.

"I still am, Nana."

"Not as much as you used to baby. You got that pretty little face of yours buried in a book, just like your mama. Not saying that's a bad thing. But you need to look around, you need to notice things while you can, because when you don't… You'll regret what you didn't see."

"Life isn't all about noticing Nana. But feeling as well. It's about the promises we make and the promises we keep. It's about my family and the promise I intend to keep."

Her smile was gone. Replacing it was a stern look that could stop you where you stand. "You don't think I know that Kassandra! I went into the cotton fields everyday with my brothers and sister. Picking so much cotton our hands grew stiff, and when we were finished we'd drag the filled sacks behind us and head home. Don't tell me about the promises and sacrifices we make for our family."

"Ok Nana, don't get your panties in a twist." I laughed. "I don't know what to do anymore Nana. It's not as easy as it once was. It's harder to bring up memories, to remember what it was like to be at home. I no longer have those feelings for home."

"Oh baby doll, nobody ever knows what to do. They just do what they think is right. What they need to think is right. All you have to do is close your eyes and I'll be there with all of your other memories. As for home, and what you need to believe is your home, your feelings will be the same no matter what the time period and where you are." Her smile whispered across her face, reaching her eyes. "Baby doll, you have a gift and a talent. Not a lot of people can say they have both. You have the gift of family and the talent for writing. Use them both wisely, for each is a blessing. Don't hide them from yourself, or the world. Most of all be proud of who you are and what you come from. I know I'm proud of you."

Tears started falling, as the child behind me starts to fall asleep in her booster seat. As nana hugs and comforts me, another carries a sleeping child and tucks her into bed.

"I miss you Nana, don't leave me again, please," I sob. "I need you."

"Baby I've always been here for you. You just haven't noticed. I have to go. But before I do I need to take you somewhere first."

"Where Nana?"

"Here." We stood at her gravesite, surrounded by her friends and family as they lowered her Urn to the ground, with the things most important to her. I looked around and saw me, unaffected by death, smiling at my little cousin who would be one in a week.

"Isn't it enough? I had to say good bye once. Why do I have to say good ye again?"

"Because everyone has to say good bye a countless number of times. But I really have to go now baby doll. Go back to sleep, okay? I love you and I'll always be with you. Tell the family I said hello." She began to disappear, to fade away from my life once again from my life.

"I love you too Nana, I always will."

"Don't forget to just be you Kassandra. Don't forget to show your talent, your gift. Don't forget to be yourself." She was gone completely. And the family was staring to leave the grave site.

With a kiss, I watched myself, hug my mother, comfort her. I watched myself take away her worries, her tears. I watched myself be the person I wanted to be.
"I all ready am." I whispered to both young and old. A question that had been swarming around in my mind for the past few days had been answered. "I all ready am the person I want to be."


I woke up to tears running down my cheeks; a white rose in one hand; a photograph of her in another.

I woke up from a dream I wish never ended.

I woke up knowing I had a second chance to say good bye, a second chance to tell her I loved her. I woke up knowing I was loved.

The Dreams...

The dreams are back,
Scarier then ever.
It feels so real,
The gunshot,
The heartbreak.
The dreams are back,
This time for good.
I can't seem to
Get rid of them.
My heart is pounding
Against my rib cage.
My pulse is beating
Unsteadily.
These dreams have
Haunted me and
Now there here to stay.
The death,
The car that drives away.
The sun setting
Over the horizon.
As I bleed out.
The dreams are back.
And their here to stay.
For a couple of days,
For a couple of weeks,
For a couple of months,
For a couple of years.
Who knows?
All I know is
This dream is back,
And it's here to stay.

This Body

This body doesn't
Have a heart.
It can't have one.
It just keeps braking.
Nothing is valuable
to this body,
Because it's always
Taken away from her.
This body can't love.
This body can't hold.
This body can't live.
This body doesn't
Have a heart,
Because she's afraid
Of what will happen.
This body is scared.
This body is confused.
This body is angry.
This body can't
Have a heart.
With the worlds wars
And Disasters.
This body feels too much,
So what can she do?
This body closed
her heart off.
Now no one
Can reach it.
This body can't
Feel anything, anymore.
And maybe that's
What she wanted,
Maybe that's what
She aimed for.
This body is mine.

Nothing Ever Changes

Waves crash below you,
As you fly across the world.
The sun sets deeper,
As you fly higher.
Nothing ever changes.
The baby screams in
The other room,
Won't it ever stop?
The music is blaring
In my daughters room.
Nothing ever changes.
My body with new child,
The aches in my back.
The hair that falls in my eyes.
Long and dreamy.
Nothing ever changes.
My daughter sneaks out,
I know where she's going.
Baby's still crying,
What can I do?
Nothing ever changes.
Aches, and pain.
Love and joy.
Isn't it all the same?
Nothing ever changes.

Never Forever

Your arms wrapped
Tight around me
Holding me against you.
I lay there,
Dreaming of what could be,
Dreaming of what can't be.
A kiss whispers against my ear
The feeling is everlasting.
Hands move around,
The passion flames
I'm yours for now,
Never forever.

I wanna feel alive

Jump off planes,
Dive deep down.
Jump off bridges,
With a rope at my feet.
I wanna feel alive.
i wanna feel the
Wind in my hair.
I wanna drive
Away from here
I wanna feel alive.
Instead I'm trapt,
In a life that isn't mine.
I wanna climb
the mountains,
And hunt in the forests.
I wanna love on the grass
under the stars.
I wanna be outside
All the time.
I wanna feel alive.
Instead I'm trapt,
In a life that isn't mine.

This Pain

It's so brilliant,
This pain
that I could
Never live without.

This pain
Is hidden beneath
The smiles,
And the whispers.
This pain
Is hidden beneath
The love
You see in me.

I can hide it.
From them,
From myself.
But this pain,
Always comes back.

I wonder
What caused it,
I wonder
If I'll ever
Live without it.

This pain
Breaks me in half.
The blood
In my veins
Turns black.

This pain
Makes me hide
My tears away.

This pain
Never leaves me.
It's always
In the shadows.

This pain
Is only mine
to carry,
It's only mine
to hold.

This pain
This pain
This pain
Is only mine
to hate.

She's Alone

She's alone now
Everyone left her.
They changed,
She's still the same.
Do they notice
How much they hurt her?
Or is it just in her imagination?
She dosent think so.
Shes alone once again.
Alone in the big world
Where things happen
That no one should go through.
Her friends look at her
As if nothing happened.
She's alone once again.
She's the same
While they changed!
It isnt supposed to be like this!
They werent supposed to change!
They werent supposed to grow up!
They were supposed to be
Seven FOREVER!


Her friends changed


But she stayed the same!


Do they realize she's the same girl?


Do they have hearts anymore?


She's alone in the world


That no one should be alone in!


She's 15 and the same.


She has the same heart,


The same brain,


The same beauty,


But with a lonliness.


She's alone in the world.


Her friends left her


She has no one to turn to.


She waits but they dont come back.


She dosent wait any longer


She disappears to a world


That no 15 year old girl


Should be in by their selves.


And when they reach her


She's all ready gone.

The world Turns...

The world turns to dark.
A child weeps.
Her mother isnt there
To save her from him.
She screams, she cries.
She listens for the night sounds
He's hurting her
But she cant feel it.
He's screaming at her
But she cant hear it
His breath smells like whiskey
To her skin.
His eyes pierce through hers.
She's nine
He's thirty.
He's her father.
The world turns to light
A child weeps.
Her mother wasnt there
To save her from him.
The tears fall freely
She wont stop them.
Alone in her room
As always her haven,
Reaching for the father
She never met.
The father that held
Her in his hands
With a smile on his face
The father that isnt
There anymore
To hold her when she cries
The world turns to dark
and it happens again.
This time she feels him.
This time she hears him.
The tears dont come
She holds them back
She cant imagine
Another world not like this one.

Pretty Girl

Pretty Girl
Say's she's sorry
For hurting you
Pretty Girl
Says she didn't mean it
Pretty girl
Is hurting to
She can't live
Without you!
Pretty girl
Doesn't think
She did anything wrong
But she's saying sorry
What did
Pretty girl
Do wrong?
Pretty Girl
Cries at night
Becasue you're not
By her side
Pretty girl
Runs away
Because you were
Never there!

Pretty girl

Cries at night

Becasue she doesn't

Know what she did

To hurt this much.

If only, If Only

If only, if only
The sun would never set.
If only, if only
The world would stop spinning.
What would happen then?
Would the world
Break down or
Would it keep going
Like how it is now?
If only, if only
We stopped to take a breath.
To smell the fresh air,
To look at the beauty in which
The world provides for us.
If only, if only
I found you before.
If only, if only
I didn't know you at all.
Would it hurt this much?
Would tears still come
To my blue eyes?
What would happen
If I never met you?
If I never saw you?
If I never said a word to you?
If only, if only
I knew...

These Lies

These lies you told,
Weigh heavy on my shoulders.
This love for you,
Weighs heavy in my hear.
It holds me back,
When I want to leave,
And drives me to the break.
These lies you tell,
Lay heavy on my body,
But I can't leave your side.
I don't want to.
You lie to me,
But you hold,
And kiss me.
You tell me you love me,
Tell me everything's alright.
These lies I tell
Weigh heavy in my mind.
I lie to myself.
I lie to you.
These lies only break
What's in me.

Cancer Spreading

With Family and Friends
Surrounding her,
She said goodbye,
Tears in her eyes,
She knows she won't live.
Cancer Spread
Her Hair is gone,
Her bodies growing smaller,
Cancer Spreading,
With her family and Friends,
Surrounding her,
She says Good Bye,
As the cancer spreads.
She will never have a child
She'll never marry
Those are just dreams.
Cancer Spreading
Her eyes are big and bright,
She know's she's dieing
And doesn't let it affect her.
Cancers spreading.
Cancers spread.
She's gone.

All Alone

All alone
No one there.
She cries
Holding pictures
Of the ones
She once loved.
They're gone now.
They left her
All alone.
The tears flood her eyes,
As she remembers
The memories they all shared,
The good and the bad,
Before they left her,
All alone
With no one to hold.
With no one to talk to.
With no one to love.
They left her
All alone.
She can't talk to anyone,
Because no one knows
How she feels.
No one knows
What it's like to be,
All alone
With no one to hold her
While she cries,
Over those gone
That were once loved
By her.

My Heart Hurt

My heart hurt
As I watched you
Walk away from me.
I can't remember
Ever having that
Feeling before.
Now that you're
Walking back to me
My heart skips a beat.
I get butterflies
Whenever you walk by,
Thinking you might
Leave me again.
My heart hurt
When you came back,
I thought you
Were here to stay.
But it turns out
you were giving me
My heart back.
Ripped and tattered
As it was.
It was still my heart.
Alive and beating.
And all yours.

Never let go

To all the soldiers


Hold on tightly,
Promise me,
You'll never
Let go.
No matter,
Where the world
Takes us.
Promise me,
You'll never
Let go.
As you fly
Over the seas.
As you cross
The many deserts.
As you dream,
In far away lands,
Remember to hold me tightly,
And never let go.
Remember I'm there,
When you come home.
Remember I promised
Never to let go.
As I fly home.
As I cross
State Lines
As I dream of you
In our bed.
I remember
Holding you tightly
And promising I would
Never let you go.
As I wait for you,
I hold your heart
And I'll never let it go.

These Feelings

These feelings.
They're always there.
Even when I don't
Want them to be.
I don't want to
Cry over them,
But I do.
I don't want to
Hurt myself,
Thinking it's my fault.
But yet I do.
These feelings
Of hurt and pride.
Their all mixed into one.
I'll cry when I'm alone.
Even though
I don't want to.
I'll hurt when I'm alone.
Even though
I hate to.
I'll let them get to me
When I'm alone.
Because that's what
I need to do.
I need to feel
These feelings
Although I don't want to.
I need to hurt
This much,
Because it keeps me alive.
I need to hurt,
Because it keeps me closer,
To the ones that've hurt me.
These feelings
Haunt me in my sleep,
They haunt me
As I awake.
These feelings of love,
These feelings of hurt,
These feelings of hate,
Circle in me,
Waiting for the
Right moment
To awaken.
Waiting for the right moment,
To show the world.
These feelings
Are what's in me.
Day in and
Day out.
These are the
Things I feel.
These are the
Things I need to feel.
This is my life.
These feelings
Are my life,
My love,
My everything.

Angels fly.

Angels fly
Towards the clouds
Their wings glisten
in the light,
Almost hurts the eyes.
They look down at us
And think how grateful
They are to
Live the life they lead.

Tears fall as we stand
Beside the grave of the fallen.
Not tears of sorrow,
but tears of joy,
They no longer hurt,
no longer feel.
They fly with wings
On their backs
Towards the clouds,
Wings glistening
In the sun.

Angels sit upon the clouds
And watch as we make
Our mistakes,
Watch as we live our lives,
Watch as we make our friends,
Make new memories
And know they'll always be
In our hearts.

Tears fall as we remember
The Joy we once felt
With them at our sides.
We remember what they smelt like,
How they looked when they smiled.
We look up and
We know they are watching us.

The memories we had we share,
As we look up,
They look down upon us.

The Happiness we once shared
Makes my heart feel lighter,
Brings a smile to my lips,
And as I remember your laugh.
Sadness overcomes me,
As I think of your family
And how much they miss you.
Happiness overcomes me
As I know you are happy
Where you are.



I miss you George O'ana!